i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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