I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
