There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
