dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
