i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
