i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
