what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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