dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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