There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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