a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm too high and old for this...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
