I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
