I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
