The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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