turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
two words...techno handjob
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
They took my balls.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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