just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
