If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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