Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
