I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
