Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
