i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
