Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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