im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
