What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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