i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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