I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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