I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She's the barista slut.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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