my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
