the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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