I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
