what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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