there's paper in my vomit.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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