i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
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