I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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