Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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