Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
