I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
