God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
