My brain says no but my pants say off.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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