She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
