Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
