the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
