onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
