guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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