what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
