its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
