I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
God I need to hump something, right now.
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