my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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