I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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