Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
