i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
