So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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