then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
