We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
