i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
