You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
