Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
